Friday, November 18, 2011

Beginning Journal Entries

This photo was taken about 7 months before my journey began.
460 LBS +

Could This Really Be It??? Original Post Sept 14, 2011
I began this attempt at weight loss on August 27, 2011, and so far I feel GREAT! Here's what got me started......

I have struggled with weight my entire life and aside from medical issues that make it very difficult to lose (insulin resistance, and hypothyroidism to name a couple) I have also developed some very unhealthy eating habits. I do what my doctor likes to refer to as self medicating myself. I eat for whatever reason and somehow find a way to justify it almost every time without ever admitting I have a problem. Well here I am powerless over food!

I joined Calorie Count about a year ago under the advice of a family member, I think hoping for a magical cure and to get her off my back. Needless to say I did not find a magical cure and only saw a lot of work and sacrifice, for which I was not ready to make. I never did log back in. I guess somewhere in my head if I ignored the problem it really wasn't there. There I was powerless over myself.

I'm not even sure if it was just one day or over the course of a few, I noticed a new roll on my neck, one that was touching the base of my shoulders... I was grossed out to say the least. I never look in the mirror, it works better for keeping my denial intact. It wasn't until I was shopping for a fold up camping chair that would support my very heavy weight that I began to admit to myself, out loud anyway, that I have a problem and I need to fix it.

I talked to my husband about changing the way we eat as a family and asked him to help me. He has always been very sweet to me in not mentioning my weight, I never talked about it with him and he never said anything which worked amazing for my denial. He agreed that we needed to make some changes as well, though he is much smaller than I am we both with our eldest daughter have weight issues. We began making small changes like tossing some of our soda out and eating smaller portions. I wanted to get a scale to measure our progress, but knowing that I was well over the limit for most scales sold in stores, I had to again go to my husband and ask how he felt about ordering one online. This was humiliating, though I still did not let on to how much I weigh, I can only guess he had to know that it was more than even he thought. He being a great support agreed.

I found a scale that is accurate up to 440 pounds and figured it would work, last year when I saw the doctor I weighed in at 426. While we were waiting for it to arrive we began logging in to Calorie Count to keep track of what we were eating. I am finding this very helpful so far because I am forced to look at what I am putting in to my body and it allows me to see where I can change things. Got things to where we are showing a deficit in calories every day meaning that we are actually burning more than we are eating... Gotta be losing weight now right?

The scale arrived and a very excited me decided to give it a whirl. To my horror the reading came out ERR... This meant that I had gained more than even I thought, I am over 440 pounds. How the hell did I let this happen???? My husband asked how the scale worked and I lied and told him it worked great. What he didn't know was that I could only get a reading if I leaned on the counter. I know that I have dropped some weight because my clothes are getting looser and you can see a difference in some parts of me.

This morning I decided to try it again, its been a downer knowing that I have lost and not being able to share how much with my family... HOORAY!!! It worked, I can finally start logging my weight loss.

Today I feel fantastic, the changes though a lot of work (measuring and weighing food), feel natural and easy. I am not sure what my problem was. I actually know what it feels like to be full now. I know that I am not going to starve, and I have the wonderful support of my husband and daughter so I do not feel alone. I know there will be bumps in the road, but if I own up to them and not beat myself up, I think this just might be the time that I succeed.

Today, I weighed in at 442 pounds. I am not powerless over food or myself, today I have the power! Here I am being accountable for what I have and will create for myself. I pray for the same power tomorrow!
To Drink Or Not To Drink, Original Post Sept 21, 2011
Okay so I couldn't wait till Saturday to weigh in (I'm trying to only weigh 1 time a week), and I couldn't be more excited!!! I am down to 435 and am on track to meet my first goal of 100 pounds by June of next year. Oh how I pray that happens.

Soda while I enjoy it is terrible for me but I can not seem to get enough calories in the day if I don't drink it.... Do I try to eat more, or simply drink a soda (one of my worst habits)?
First Struggle Of This Go Round, Original Post Sept 26, 2011
So I weighed in this morning, down another 3 pounds since my last weigh in 4 or 5 days ago. I'm pretty happy about that.
I noticed today for the first time in over a month I am craving some of the old bad habits... I have managed to stay away from them but indulged in some pistachio's. It's been kind of hard being in a munchy mood but I am proud that so far I have bypassed those urges, something I could not have done a month ago.
Deformed Progress.... Could Be TMI, Original Post Oct 11, 2011  
Ok so, I've been noticing subtle progress along the way, yay! However it seems almost over night I have noticed big chunks of me are missing (not complaining). The thing is that it is not even loss. I have chunks of my belly missing, in the strangest places. the left side is quite a bit smaller than the right, and there are valleys coming from both sides now, creating what looks like a second smaller belly. So now I have two bellies?? WTH...LOL My fingers, legs, breasts Frown, ankles, shoulders and face are all quite a bit smaller too. My stretch pants are now baggy and some of my favorite shirts are falling off. This is kind of bitter sweet as I have little to no money to get any new clothes, so for now I will walk around feeling sloppy I suppose.... I am smaller though and that is AWESOME! I only wonder why certain parts of me are not evenly losing ( like my belly)... All I can say is Thank God for clothing.

What a crazy weekend, my oldest is all of a sudden allergic to something shes consuming and no one seems to know what. Thursday she came home with hives everywhere and was complaining that she could not breathe real well, so we go to the instacare up the road. They give her epi, benadryl, and steroids, then send us home. Friday she seems much better now. Saturday a laundry list of things to do to get ready for the massive birthday party we were having at my moms to celebrate birthdays for my youngest, my sister, nephew, and mom. We did not make it home until about half past midnight. My oldest now complaining that her lips are tingling (thought nothing of it.) She went to spend the night at a friends, we get a call around 9 in the morning (day of the party) she says her lips are swollen and she is having a hard time breathing. I think to myself possible she is being over dramatic (she is a teenager after all), says that she woke up at 5 am this way but didn't call cause she didn't want to wake me. She comes home, NOT being over dramatic, the child had lips that would have made Angelina Jolie jealous!!! To the hospital this time.... She is definitely allergic to something, no one can tell us what it is and we will just have to keep sticking the poor child with epi till we can get in to see an allergist... UGH!!! We miss the party..... Monday her face is back to being her face, and it is my youngest's official birthday, NOW I GOTTA FACE 2 CAKES!!!!!!!!!!!! Talk about anxiety. We bought her a cake and my parents sent over the cake she missed out on.... Ok, so I quit stressing over 1 piece of cake realizing 1 piece did not get me where I am today, and it wasn't even very good... 600 and some odd calories and it wasn't even very good!!!! Did stay under my calories though and ended up at 1505 for the whole day.

Hubby and I had a fantastic idea last night (sarcasm noted). We were going to quit smoking in the morning (today). Ive done this before and was successful for 7 years, why the hell did I restart??? Pacing the floor, afraid to eat because I'm nicky fitting... Take a nap that will help, only I can't sleep, keep thinking of rolled smokey death sticks....Yell Pace the floor some more, avoid eating again.... Knock on the neighbors door, she owes me anyway.... I just don't want to do this today.... Hubby comes home for lunch sporting a pack for him and a pack for me, apparently he's not feeling it either.... AAhhhhhhh sweet disgusting cigs.... I feel better now! (gross but better). Tomorrow is a new day!

I really need to write in this more so that my posts will be shorter I think... I guess I had more on my mind than I thought.Tongue out
Sick & Tired Of Stress,  Original Post On Nov 1, 2011
Wow... last week was one of those weeks for sure. I rode the emotional roller coaster like a pro. I spent at least 2 of those days in tears, and the rest so stressed it seemed the world just kinda passed by me.

I can't even recall the specific days things went down but, I got some real bad news that kinda rocked my world. I lost it! Spent the next day pretty numb, and the next in tears again. This time not just because of the news but I finally verbalized a little bit of how I have been feeling and It kinda spiraled from there. Turns out I have been holding on to a lot of feelings that I swept so far under the rug, I forgot they were there. There are so many events in my life that have driven my self esteem into the ground and I didn't realize it. Hell, there are probably things I haven't even thought of yet. Anyway I am ready to admit that depression is a problem for me. I have spent so much time being the rock, and learned how to sweep real good, it was easy to deny that depression existed. Turns out I am human and things affect me... Who woulda thunk it? I have no one to talk to really because some things are that personal, and I feel the need to protect certain people from things at the expense of my own sanity. I decided that I should probably seek therapy. I have no insurance so I pondered what to do, made some calls, and found a place that only charges $10. Made an appointment and am going tomorrow.... I hope she brings a big notebook.... I think that this may help alleviate some stress and prevent me from using food as a crutch. I can honestly say that this go around I have not resorted to food but if my stress level continues I fear that eventually I will. I am just so damn tired of feeling stressed and disappointed in myself. It affects not only me but my family as well. I used to be able to find the fun in life but these days life isn't too much fun. I used to laugh and play and now.... I am so damn serious all the time... I don't like it and I know it is not the real me. Don't get me wrong, I can at times put on a fake smile and pretend to have fun, but I am only kidding myself. I figure while I am spending so much time to make my body healthy I should probably take some time to make my heart (figuratively speaking) healthy too! And then the icing on the cake.... I get a text Friday from my sister who asks me are you going to Grandpa's funeral?? Whaattt? I didn't know grandpa died. The funeral was that day, about an hour and a half out of town. I couldn't go. The last time I saw my Grandpa I was 12. (I was not a big part of my dad's life and was raised by my step dad). I am sad because not only will I never get to know him but I will never get to tell him I love him or to say goodbye. I am now afraid that this is how I will find out about my dad. I don't want that. I want to be a part of his life. I have decided if he won't try, I will put forth the effort. I just need to grow some ovaries and call him.

Anyway.... It is a new week and I am looking toward it with optimism. Things have to get better. I am much too young to feel this damn old!!! (ha, that's a song) I am in charge of ME, I have the power to change ME and nothing else. This week I will try to focus on that.


  1. Brandy you are such an inspiration to so many people thank you so much for sharing this blog I will certainly follow it you keep going girl....XO

    1. Thank you very much!! I think I know who this is LOL.

  2. I definitely know where you were coming from with the denial. I only began struggling with my weight after moving to Buffalo, NY where it was cold, I was stressed and food became a comfort. It doesn't help that obesity runs in my family either, we all have a love for food and everything we do involves eating it seems. I wouldn't consider myself obese but if I don't change, I will be there sooner rather than later. You are very inspiring and after reading this, I think it has given me a kick in the behind to get going. I am just going through the grieving process that I will actually have to count calories and not snack. Oh boy. I can do this though.

  3. You can ABSOLUTELY do this! The beautiful thing is, the more you learn about food, especially the right kinds of food, you will find that you can snack, on good stuff. You can even have the things you enjoy still. I am thrilled that you have found inspiration, even more so that you have a chance to turn things around well before the obese category comes into play. Take it from me, no good comes from this category, I wish I had turned it around before such a gross term was asigned to me.